Hiking Trip
by ThisStatementIsFalse
Summary: What better way for the RED team to pass the time than with a hiking trip! There are several, but they don't know that. Ninth Misadventures of the RED Team spinoff
1. Idiotic Ideas

**Hey folks! How's it going? We got another episode of Misadventures of the RED Team over here, hope you like it! :D**

**(I don't own TF2! Wish I did. Think of all the hats.)**

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Chapter One – Idiotic Ideas

~RED BASE~

The idea of having a hobby was something of a lost concept on a full-time mercenary. Maybe they'd still have a little something; an Engineer's guitar playing, a Medic's exploration of a usually-unwilling person's innards, those sorts of pleasantries.

More outdoorsy activities were pretty much whittled down to shooting things or blowing them up in some weirdly imaginative ways. Yeah, super fun, but over time it could get a tad repetitive. This was ideally how the nine RED mercs got onto the topic of pastimes whilst gathered in their slightly-trashed rec room;

"I think we should get onto the topic of pastimes while we're gathered in our slightly-trashed rec room," Soldier suggested absently, ignoring the blank stares of his teammates. Medic, who was minutely pissed at being interrupted (he had finally gotten around to painting out the 'I like hats' graffiti on the wall) took a precious second out of his time to glare at him.

"_Nein_," he set down immediately, "You made me play a dare game, fix zhis base, use a Portal gun, go to Pyroland – _never again _– do a treasure hunt, help a unicorn GIVE BIRTH, and zhere is no vay _in Hell_ I'm taking up a hobby!"

…

"So I was thinkin' w' go fishin'," the Demoman went on happily, regardless, positively shrugging off the latest tantrum in the RED base, "_With swords_."

Apparently Pyro thought this would be the ideal time to whip a fire axe out of nowhere and haphazardly swing it about the room in agreement. Engineer raised a hand;

"Ah'm gonna go ahead and say no." Maybe a third of the mercs nodded solemnly. "How 'bout somethin' nice like buildin' a pond fer baby ducks?" Engy stared fondly into space for a moment.

"… Counter proposal," Spy broke the silence, "We _don't _do that."

Engy and the author pouted severely whilst the Heavy decided to get involved.

"We learn craft of making boats and travel the world." He stated flatly, like this was the most obvious solution. The team all froze for a moment at the mental struggle of _not _remembering the last time they used a boat.

See Misadventures of the RED Team 2, dear confused readers.

A surprisingly dark, low toned voice at the back of the room announced Sniper's contribution to the conversation;

"What if we train eight hundred koalas karate until they're masters then steal a train and gradually take over all of- _why is everyone starin' at me like that_?"

"Cuz that's freakin' weird, Snipes." Now suddenly everyone was staring at Scout.

"When'd you get here!?" Soldier demanded.

"I've been here the whole time!"

"You've had no dialogue! You always dominate the conversation! I UNDERSTAND NOTHING NOW." He abruptly leapt out the window, revealing the fact he must have been sitting on a raccoon for the better part of half an hour. Sniper blinked, casually plucking out a glass shard embedded in his arm, and eventually sighed instead of saying anything.

The team sat in silence for a moment until Lieutenant Bites pounced out the same window and some background clamour suggested Soldier had been attacked. Quite violently.

While most of the team were distracted by that – literally for two seconds before they lost interest – Pyro randomly figured hanging from the ceiling light would be a good idea and promptly took out a chunk of the roof.

"… We really need to get out of this base," Spy commented lightly, dusting off his suit. With a much more business-like attitude than a drunkard ought to have, the Demoman suddenly stood up straight and proclaimed;

"I KNOW WHAT TO DO."

The team thought they were witnessing a kind of milestone. They thought their misadventures were over. It seemed that, finally, one of them had just given mental birth to an actual, genuinely good idea.

It felt good. So very good.

Then the Demoman whipped out his sticky bomb launcher, filled the room with explosives, and launched them all through the wall.

"I hate _every last one of you_," Sniper grumbled midair, performing a quick spin in order to flip off everybody. Naturally there was a slight problem with the REDs' flight path (the two feet of solid concrete) that hindered their progress a little. Plus they crash landed on top of poor, half-eaten Soldier.

"Who bets Demo just forgot his great plan?" Engy muttered from his uncomfortable position underneath a ton of bricks and a few incapable mercenaries.

"Estás usando este software de traducción de forma incorrecta," Demo cried, exploding from the wreckage (quite literally) and instantly falling flat on his face.

"You called it, Engy," Soldier said, finally extracting the savage raccoon from his arm. "So what're we doing?"

"I'm here by the way," Scout stated flatly, ultimately ignored.

"Hiking…" The mercs – varied amounts of themselves actually visible at the moment – blinked uncomprehendingly in Heavy's direction. The Russian stared wistfully into the distance, as though in the midst of an epiphany. "We should go _hiking_." The REDs leaned in; enchanted by the prospect of a nice hobby, when Heavy's ass thought it would be a superb time to fart obnoxiously.

"ARGHHH GOD WHY!?"

Long story short Scout died and the others threw up. But that's not the point.

Point was; HIKING TRIP, BABY.

Like freakin' children the nine of them (once Scout had returned from respawn, the pitiable moron) rushed away to get ready. This could be mildly interesting.

~SPY'S ROOM~ (Yeah it's not in team order for once come at me)

Spy, interestingly, had never been hiking. The only sport he'd ever really excelled at was drunken quad biking after that incident with the army of pirates. Man, was that a long time ago…

"Fond memories," Spy put on a weirdly-big nostalgic grin and flounced across his room toward the closet. He threw it open with a fanfare and stuck his head in to search for _useful supplies_. "… I own nothing but suits," the RED noted, sifting through several identical jackets as though it would help somehow.

Spy stared thoughtfully into the depths of his wardrobe for the better part of ten minutes then sadly trudged back to the rec room.

Or what was left of it.

~SNIPER'S ROOM~ (No it's not just backward that's purely coincidence)

Sniper already arrived in his room before he recalled it was completely empty (and lacking a door) because all his stuff was in his camper van; and judging by the postcard he'd received earlier in the week RV was on holiday in attempt to recover from the emotional turmoil these stories put her through.

"Hm."

Surely there would be _something_ in here he could take on a hiking trip. Like, eh, like…

Sniper felt his attention gradually zero in on the bed frame. _Firewood_.

~MEDIC'S ROOM~

Medic's bedroom-come-dove-sanctuary-come-infirmary likely contained oodles of helpful items for doing just about anything, be it a hiking trip or tripping in Pyrovision.

But Medic remained none too happy about the whole 'hobby' deal, and so figured he would at least mess up the preparation to hath his revenge.

Know what grammar check? No. That should be 'hath' instead of 'have'. Because it sounds just that much cooler, that's why.

Ahem. Medic moseyed past every single medical supply and foodstuff (granted, it was birdseed) until he reached the Drawer at the Back of the Room. It was and always will be a very special Drawer, which is why Medic tended to capitalise it in his mind-transcript.

Archimedes, always excited about the Drawer opening, plonked his behind on the doctor's shoulder to watch. The dove cooed down from three and the Drawer was OPENED.

~CLIFFHANGER THOUGH BECAUSE ENGY'S ROOM~

A little mini sentry acting as a nightlight on Engy's desk bleeped hello as the merc entered, which would make just about anybody's day a lot better. Engy waved because that was the polite thing to do… apparently sentries have the power of sight, then.

Engy wasn't entirely sure what to bring on a hiking trip either. He supposed Teddy Roosebelt would want to come, and there was always his toolbox…

"… Ah'll go make sammiches."

~HEAVY'S QUARTERS~ (Got bored of the word room)

The Heavy Weapons Guy squished his generous bulk through his way-too-narrow doorway and wiped his feet on the brand new welcome mat. Funny, he didn't remember where it came from or whether he actually gave a damn about footprints.

He briefly wondered if this train of thought was remotely relevant.

Heavy decided 'nay' and moved to the tiny bed beside his bed for the one and only thing he would ever need at any time ever. Besides a doctor. And a sandvich.

"Sasha!" Heavy cried joyously, hugging the minigun like it was an average thing to do. Okay wait just realised that's actually about the most normal thing that happens around here.

~DEMO'S SPACE~ (Bedroom isn't in the thesaurus for some reason we'll make do)

The Demoman was all set the second he arrived in his room.

For a trip, no matter where that trip may or may not be, all he needed was a too-plentiful-to-be-healthy supply of alcohol. The Scotsman felt a song coming on;

"Um… _It's a sma' world after all_-"

NO. NO. FORGET IT.

~PYRO'S EPIC CASTLE-VORTEX THING (PYROVISION)~

"So, Py," Balloonicorn squeaked, floating in circles just under the roof, "a _hiking trip._ You must be growing up." Reindoonicorn and their baby Balloondoonicorn nodded agreement, the latter sitting on Pyro's head.

Pyro gave them a pleasant thumbs up and skipped about its room to start packing. Make your own strawberry jelly kit? Only _heck yeah_. Plushy Companion Cube? _Of course_.

The innocent wee pyromaniac quickly realised it may as well just pack everything it owned.

Now where was that fluorescent rainbow rucksack…?

~SOLDIER'S BARRACKS~

Soldier's room proudly maintained its eye-searing shades of red, white and blue despite the abnormal abundance of raccoon… leavings… in there. It was all very American.

The merc, like a few of his teammates, only required one item from here, but it was a good 'un.

_His car key_.

"AW YEAH!" Soldier yelled, punching through the outside wall and falling with style a couple of storeys in victory.

~SCOUT'S ROOM~ (Fine it was backward what do you want from me?)

Scout jogged into his room and promptly vanished into all the junk on the floor. He tunnelled past the Bonk cans and clambered onto his bed, finding he had no clue what he was supposed to be doing at this moment in time.

"Well," he awkwardly glanced around himself, drumming out some kind of theme song on the bed frame. "Ain't any harm in downin' some Bonk, I guess."

He was quite wrong.

There's lots of harm in downing some Bonk.

Be afraid.

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**Okay this chapter wouldn't come out funny, so… pity laughs would be appreciated. Even really fake would be awesome. I love you guys**

**Thanks for reading! :)**


	2. Bye, Base

**Aw, you guys are the best :) Thanks for reviewing!**

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Chapter Two – Bye, Base

~OUTSIDE RED BASE~

As usual, there was _a lot _of stuff happening at once in and around the RED base.

For example, a bed frame flew from one of the second storey windows and exploded quite dramatically into several firewood-like pieces when it hit the ground.

Engy sighed as he watched said spectacle from the kitchen window. Darn teammates. Couldn't they be _average_ for once, he thought sadly, casually placing another chunk of solid metal into a sandwich.

The Spy, also, seemed to be in quite the pissy mood. He had _nothing _to contribute to this whole packing fiasco and- Fiasco. Spy decided he liked the word fiasco. It- it didn't even _sound _like a real word! Ha ha! Hours of entertainment!

At that moment Heavy and Sasha came barrelling through the rec room and accidently nudged the Spy. With the force of a speeding train. The two (well, three with the minigun) of them zoomed unnecessarily past the nearest door just in time to intercept a sprinting-at-light-speed Scout and make one Helluva mess of most of their organs in the fray.

Pyro flounced into the room after that, merrily waving to the pile of partially-dead mercs rather than doing anything constructive. Instead it pulled a fully-assembled tea set out its rainbow, glowing rucksack and exchanged a little banter with the Balloon family, making just enough noise to block out their teammates' groaning.

Appropriately Medic chose then to walk in. He wearily took in the sight of half a Spy crawling across the room, and a twitchy Scout still attempting to run despite the fact he was pinned under an unconscious Heavy Weapons Guy.

"I should really get paid for zhis," the doctor muttered, stowing the Thing From the Drawer in his pocket and grabbing the Quick Fix.

Insert healing montage here.

Sniper appeared next, dragging a pile of wooden planks and the Demoman holding onto them like a man lost at sea. In fairness he was drunk enough the world was swaying, so the scenario kind of worked out in his noggin.

That left just Engy and Soldier to conveniently enter the rec room just after everybody else magically figured out that's where they were meeting. Maybe the pocket buddies told them.

Soon enough an awfully anxious-looking Engineer hurried to the party and seemed unwilling to explain what the matter was. Eventually he raised a shaky arm to point out the garage and numbly followed as the REDs went to check it out.

~BASE GARAGE~

"SOLDIER." Scout's sugar rush abruptly crashed in shock. "THE HELL?"

Dear old Solly didn't see what the problem was;

"What? It's just my car." He saluted proudly, standing beside it. Heavy had a reasonable point to make though,

"Is not car." Soldier stared blankly at him. "Is _tank_."

Soldier barely reacted; "Well, _yeah_. What the Hell else would it be?" Spy marvelled in the fact that the offense class genuinely saw no problems with this whatsoever. Then he thought for just a second about their tiny garage and asked;

"Where exactly have you been keeping it this entire time?"

All of a sudden the speakers that had remained completely inactive for Gaben knows how long crackled to life and the Administrator yelled how it wasn't their job to be applying logic to _any_ given situation _ever_. The Engineer had crept into the room for hardly a second before she anticipated his objection and screamed 'DO NOT QUESTION US' before all the speakers exploded into shards of uselessness.

…

"So we drivin' to the mountains or what?" Sniper questioned boredly, gesturing loosely toward the tank. Demo sprung off the floor with a cry of 'HECK YEAH' and made a couple of air guitar motions for emphasis. That put Pyro on board, who took a driving scarf from its bag, and for some reason a portable fan so the scarf would be fun and billow twenty-four-seven.

"Wait, does this mean…?" Scout turned to Soldier, and through some weird-ass telepathic link they both knew to simultaneously shout, "ROAD TRIP!" The pair of them high fived and leapt somewhat gracefully (except not) into the tank.

Medic and Archimedes swapped solemn expressions of farewell then clambered in too, figuring they hadn't much choice in the matter. Plus they could finally test the ÜberTank trick they'd been working on.

His generally pseudo-wise influence is probably what made Heavy struggle headfirst into Soldier's so-called car, with a little help from the Demoman and Pyro jumping impatiently on top of him. Sniper impassively waited until that business was outta the way then followed, shoving the scarred Engineer ahead of him.

Spy eventually succumbed to peer pressure and so began the ultimate _Road Trip Before The Hiking Trip_ Trip. We'll call it RTBTHTT, not to be confused with GFDGOTGS. (See Shopping Trip, folks)

For some reason a modern day dashboard was in the tank, complete with a steering wheel actually shaped like America. Soldier dug out his key-with-fluffy-raccoon-key-ring and started her up.

"Hm, nearly outta fuel. We've got to stop at the city first!" he announced, humming loudly as he drove off to cover Engy's plea of;

"NO! THE CIVVIES!" He hugged Teddy Roosebelt in the back corner of the tank, practically crying, "Think of the civviiiies…" By this point he became pretty glad it was too dark for anyone to see him, when with a little click a lamp from Pyro's bag illuminated the interior in faintly pink light. "Dammit."

They cruised for the city teleporter leaning against the wall, quietly confident they would fit through it. Well, more not seeing any flaws in their plan and not really thinking through the concept of further destroying their base.

"Uh, possibly a stupid question, but, is zhis loaded?" Medic asked, noting how close the turret was to hitting the wall. Soldier only grinned manically in response, then they hit the teleporter.

~CITY ONE~

"Well that's a bloody miracle," Sniper observed, probably referring to the fact they _hadn't_ all died in a tank crash. The slightly more intellectual REDs sighed in relief and left the excitable offense classes to their miniature party up front. Pyro had brought a cake and everything.

While Engy buried himself in fluffy pocket buddies the rest of the mercs waited for the inevitable things-being-crushed noises and screaming civilians.

Oh, there we go, that sounded like a dumpster being squished beyond recognition.

"OKAY, UM," Soldier briefly addressed the team over one shoulder, "It's been… some time… since I took out the tank. _Aboutfouryears._"

Awkward pause.

"You _do _have licence, though, da?" Heavy checked dubiously, regretting it immediately.

"The Hell's a licence?" Soldier finally got them off the pavement, turning to Heavy with a puzzled frown. In the end he didn't give anyone time to answer, "Ooh, we're here!" He popped out the top of the tank and didn't miss how every single person within about a mile was staring at him. "As you were, maggots!" He saluted, hopping out and sauntering to the nearest petrol pump.

Yeah. That's how tanks work.

Meanwhile, still inside the vehicle;

"Hey, hey guys. Guys. GUYS." Reluctantly, the team paid attention to Scout. "Can we get snacks?"

"NO." Spy said rather sternly, hiding his wallet.

"Aw, please? Imma bother you all 'til ya say yeah. _I gotta song that'll get on yer nerves_-"

"SOMEONE GIVE HIM MONEY AND THROW HIM OUT!" the Engineer cried, continuing his small mental breakdown.

Heavy obliged - quite literally - for two reasons; one, he always carried crazy amounts of money (remember on Halloween when he gave that kid seven thousand dollars) and two, he easily had the ability to throw Scout places.

The runner returned not two seconds later with a lot of Bonk and a microwave. Fortunately it made sense because Pyro had a power outlet, a very long extension lead, and some popcorn.

Soldier jumped back into the tank a little after and closed it in a hurry;

"HOO-AH! Let's go!" He quickly drove off, "And just for the record, we are now criminals. I didn't pay. TEN HUT."

"Oh." Medic went through the small series of twitches that accompanied his processing of unwelcome information. "Zhat's just perfect." Police sirens started their all-too-commonly-heard by these guys wail in the background. "…Right."

The doctor strode to the dashboard, finding a little gaming computer with a keyboard (the E key mostly worn off) and got to work.

The team watched in bewilderment as Medic proceeded to operate the tank's turret and blow up not only their pursuers but about eight buildings. Medic remained completely at some sort of distorted peace the whole time, smiling pleasantly.

Nine eyes, one pair of goggles, one of aviators and one of gasmask lenses stared blankly at him for a few moments, when a high-pitched ding shattered the silence and Pyro screamed 'POPCORN IS DONE!'

And like that the event was forgotten.

Then the Demoman, sitting in the middle of the floor, posed a conundrum of philosophy, "How do babies think?" Wait what. "They dunno any words yet so _wha' d'they hear_? I miss the days when Nessie and unicorns were friends. When the cats had pet dinosaurs. I like dinosaurs."

"Gentlemen, allow me." Spy used Wake-Up Slap! It's super effective!

"Ow," Demo said, more of a 'dude what the Hell' than an actual expression of pain, "Woah. Where are we?"

Pyro pulled out a full-colour diagram of the situation, drawing a crayon line from the little tank picture to a happy wee mountain topped with a rainbow. Demo nodded slowly with a critical gaze as though he was over viewing an extremely important document, then belched and contentedly sat still for a while.

So continued the RTBTHTT.

~FIFTEEN MINUTES LAYTURRR~

"Okay man, left, left… other left, OTHER LEFT OH CRAP-"

Scout's less-than-admiral sense of direction put another dent in the car they were trying to park beside. Soldier reversed the tank back again, yelling 'BEEP' like trucks do because that's cool, apparently. It proceeded to crush another car on the other side of the car park, then of all things the turret swung around and took out the roof of a minibus.

"… We're here!" Soldier announced brightly, stopping where they were, "Move out let's go go go!"

The team bustled out of the tank and powerwalked away, casting none-too-subtle glances either way to make sure no one saw them.

And there it was. The mountain. Heavy cracked his knuckles;

"LET HIKING TRIP BEGIN."

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**Once upon a time, in a story about emotion, misery, quarrels and bookstores, an author by the name of Maggot Magnet nicknamed the Engineer 'Enchilada'. I thought about that today and burst out laughing in dead silence ^^**

**Thanks for reading! :D**


	3. Happy Hiking

**Thanks for revewing you guys! :D**

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Chapter Three – Happy Hiking

~THAT BIT OF NON-MOUNTAIN BEFORE THE MOUNTAIN~

"So what does a hiking trip _actually_ entail then?" Spy asked with over-nonchalance, "I only ask for the benefit of the less educated of us, of course…" And that is how you act like you've been on hiking trips before.

Skating over the obvious insult to ideally_ everyone,_ Sniper answered in laymen's terms;

"Y'go hikin'. Up the mountain." He pointed it out, just in case someone missed it.

"Thank you," Spy responded slowly, drowning the team with sarcasm. "I'll do that."

"YAY LET'S GO!" Scout cartwheeled, remembered he actually couldn't, and got stuck halfway in an awkward almost-handstand.

The REDs sighed and walked on past, until Heavy gave in to temptation and pushed him over. Fun fact; nothing on this Earth looks more ridiculous than a Heavy giggling and running ahead of the mercs with both arms in the air.

Well, the part where he fell on his face came a close second.

They moseyed along, content enough to pretend that never happened (like most of the things they do) and found there was a wee trail leading to the mountain. Aw, how nice! Now they were guaranteed to meet someone else going for a walk today.

Wait.

_They were guaranteed to meet other people_.

Oh. Crap.

"Ah was feelin' happier until the narrative pointed that out," Engy commented wistfully. He tried to think through some practical problems to take his mind off it. At that point the Scout, having been left on the ground for a while, caught up and yelled;

"GUYS. This purple monkey just talked to me!"

"Silly Scout," Demo said in a particularly weird voice, "You must've hit your head on the ground is all. Carry on walking _because I'm so drunk I'm gonna fall over argh_."

Medic facepalmed.

~ABOUT FIFTY FEET FURTHER ALONG THE TRAIL~

"Hudda?" Pyro offered, holding out a bunch of flowers for the team to take. When no one reacted it pulled a flare gun on them until the threatened and highly uncomfortable mercs all had a little flower to look after.

They didn't fail to notice the flare gun wasn't put away either.

"SO THIS IS NICE," Soldier exclaimed loudly, as if that would make it true."Kinda wish something entertaining would happen." Just then a gorge with a rather precarious rope bridge appeared ahead of them. "…Yeah that oughta do it."

"I think we established this before in a window-escape situation, but just in case; Heavy goes last," Spy said, minutely concerned at how this was gonna go down.

"Ja, ve just need an organised, safe vay of getting across." Medic had his leadership voice on, so everyone leaned in to hear his suggestion. "Like zhis. SCREW YOU ALL I'M GOING FIRST!"

The doctor took off, Archimedes flipping the others the bird (Ha haaa) as they raced for the bridge.

"OH HELL NAH." Engy shouted, suddenly out of his mental trauma and giving chase. Naturally Scout got involved within a moment;

"FORCE 'A NATURE JOINS THE RACE!"

Just like that the nine of them were at it, hitting each other with branches and rocks from the side of the path and sprinting frantically for the bridge. Medic and Engy were trying to strangle each other at the head of the pack, as was to be expected, Teddy and Archie brawling it out too.

Maybe this would be a nicer sort of event through Pyro's eyes.

~PYROLAND~

Pyro's teammates laughed loudly as they were washed in the bright glow of the rainblower, running around in glee. It smiled when someone jumped on its back and wrapped both arms around its neck; wee kid wanted a piggy back! How cute!

~REALITY~

The Demoman, still partially on fire, screamed incoherently as he attempted to throttle Pyro.

~PYROLAND~

Wow-ee, there were balloons and sparkles _everywhere_! Balloonicorn floated overhead, watching the mercs play like the excellent friends they were. It was almost like…

"Pyro!" the squishy unicorn whinnied, "It's a PARTY!"

Ooh, Pyro knew what that meant. Party poppers! Still dashing around with the Demoman on its back, the merc selected a party popper from its belt.

~CRUEL REALITY~

_Just so damn close_ to the rope bridge, Engy and Medic continued to fight when suddenly a napalm grenade flew over their heads and promptly burned the bridge down to nothing.

The REDs abruptly froze like that was a signal. Now they were merely fighting for no reason. That, though the norm, simply wouldn't do. The nine severely battered and mostly incinerated mercs slowly congregated at the gorge for another quick healing session.

Pyro pouted because the party ended, but immediately perked up because it instantaneously forgets anything remotely sad. It figured it should pay attention to the conversation.

"… so we'll need to build a new bridge," the Engineer was saying, quite happy now they were building things. "Pyro, Ah don't suppose...?" Pyro gave him a skipping rope from its bag. "…Close enough." He turned to the forth wall. "PLANNIN' TIME, KIDS!"

_Plan One;_

First, get your biggest mercenary (we'll be using a Heavy Weapons Guy) to throw your lightest merc (Scout, for example) across the gorge/river/giant toilet/etcetera. Get them to hang over the edge.

Make sure you have an adult nearby for supervision.

Next, throw across another merc. It doesn't matter if they don't get all the way; just as long as they grab the first merc's feet. Repeat until your all out of mercs.

If you lost one or two, don't panic! You WILL need a good lawyer though. Seriously.

Oh man we should have mentioned this first- the last merc you throw across should have had the rope, and your biggest merc should have the other end. Hopefully you read this part in time, otherwise you're royally screwed.

Finally, your biggest merc should use the rope to raise your chain of mercs into a brand new bridge!

(Warning, very temporary and damn stupid solution)

"… There's a plan two, hopefully." Spy said, beginning to think he'd much rather have stayed in bed today.

_Plan Two;_

To be brutally honest, this plan pretty much gives the exact same result as the first one. What matters is, you all tried. Gold stars. Remember your responsible adult and safety equipment.

Y'know, funky glow in the dark stuff.

First of all, get your strongest mercenary (we're using Heavy again because he's about nine feet tall what do you expect.)

Referring to the TF2 height chart, make a tower of your mercs in size order. We have Engy at the top because he's short in a way that just makes you want to hug him.

Here's the tricky bit; there's about a fifty-fifty chance of less than ten percent of you making it out alive. Secure the rope at your side of whatever you're building a bridge over and give one end to the littlest merc. Now, get the strong merc to walk to the very edge.

BRAVERY TEST. Fall forward.

If all's gone well (which, frankly, we doubt) you should again have a bridge of mercs across the thing. The littlest merc, should they be breathing and conscious, can now fix the end of the rope to the far side.

You, friend, have just made a bridge. Take a moment to bask in your achievement.

_We don't claim responsibility for any casualties, injuries, or miscellaneous bad things_.

"… I like THIS plan!" Soldier exclaimed, "Foolproof! Let's go, men!"

Sniper, being the second tallest, was a tad more unhappy with the plan.

"Er, I've actually… got an appointment… right now." He sneakily started backing away. "Demo, mate, y'll cover for me okay byeee!" The marksman turned to run a second too late as Heavy grabbed him and placed him on his head.

Demo sticky jumped up next, landing surprising neatly with a dainty wee bow on Sniper's head. Medic awkwardly climbed up after him, followed by Spy who 'accidently' kicked everyone in the face on the way.

However Soldier rocket jumped, missed his mark and tackled the Frenchman to the ground again, where they both had the tedious task of scaling the merc tower once more.

Scout clambered after them in series of double jumps, then haxy airblast jumping Pyro and finally Engy (with the rope) hauled himself up too.

See, _hauled_. That was wordplay. Because he _hauls_ buildings. That's the term. Ahem.

"Um, ready?" Heavy checked, suddenly uncertain as he shuffled toward the edge.

"BRAVERY TEST!" Demo yelled, which probably meant yes.

The second Heavy tipped forward and they started falling, Engy made a point;

"We did secure the other end of this here rope, right?"

…

"OH CRAP. OH CRAP."

"_OHMYGODOHMYGOD_!"

"LEAN BACK! LEAN THE HELL BACK!"

This was all quickly lost under a bout of high pitched screaming.

~ONE FRIGHTFULLY LARGE CRASH LATER~

Spy put on an impression of Wheatley's accent, "We are… not dead. We're not dead! Ha!"

"No, but ve are suspended over a seemingly bottomless gorge," Medic mused, debating which was worse.

"Right, uh, I would like ta point out that Engy's unconscious," Scout helpfully called back. "And we are… yeah we're now slipping."

Now, here there were two further plans put into motion at the same time which likely hindered their progress ever further, as half the mercs attempted to crawl backward and the others clawed themselves forward. Spy, pretty much in the middle, felt himself gradually become taller as the sub teams fought it out. He wondered if he should switch places with Medic now.

"Does this make _any _sense?" he asked no one in particular. "I mean _really_."

That led to the moment of anticipation- The Part Where the Gorge Kills You.

Engy chose said moment to wake up.

"Aw, what the heck's goin' on nowww?" Although it wasn't too difficult to work it out. Then he realised he was still in possession of the skipping rope. He could be a hero. Magically wearing a ten gallon hat, he somehow got the rope around the base of a nearby tree trunk and tied it in place.

Conveniently, Heavy fell the heartbeat he'd finished.

The Indiana Jones theme started playing as the merc-chain flopped into the gorge and swung across, smashing quite painfully into the far wall. Sadly nobody even had time to say 'Well at least we're safe' before a huge, splintering crack sounded above them as the tree toppled over…

And landed neatly across the gorge, just like a bridge.

"… HELL YEAH!" the team cried, pulling off some highfive manoeuvres.

Maybe that was the real plan the whole time.

* * *

**Plans, many plans and references :p**

**Oh hey I did the Steam trading card thing, and if anybody wants a Heavy profile background let me know ;)**

**Thanks for reading! :D**


	4. Hat Hunting

**Aw guys, I'm really sorry about the huge wait! Motivation just crashed at some point and wouldn't come back, the meanie :(**

**Well, here's the chapter anyhow. It comes with many hats, please forgive me? :3**

**EDIT: Fixed an annoying typo :(**

* * *

Chapter Four – Hat Hunting

~FINALLY ACROSS THE GORGE~

After much ado about climbing up a rope, the RED team assembled to stare at the mountain this fic is ideally about. _Freakin' finally_.

Subconsciously realising they were standing in height order, the REDs shuffled their ranks before heading off, filling the entire path as they moseyed uphill.

There they discovered the flaw (or one of the flaws) in their hiking trip plan; they got bored very, _very _easily. Observe;

"I'm bored."

YOU SEE? YOU SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS?

But right then, in the tense, horrifying second the mercs threatened to go mad with boredom, Heavy saw it.

It was… amazing, to type the least. Heavy stared in awe, so awestruck the very _awe _was awestruck. Awe yeah.

Downright oblivious to the puzzled glances from the team, Heavy tentatively made his way toward it with a speed akin to a glacier cruisin' along. He halted a few paces away, unsure if he was even worthy to approach further, when _it _made the move.

The team blinked uncomprehendingly as Heavy squealed happily when the little robin landed on his head. His largely unrealistic-sized jolly grin proved rather terrifying.

"Is tiny bird. Is adorable." Heavy rotated slowly on the spot to point at the other REDs. "TELL BIRD HE IS PRETTY."

The mercs however were spared having to do so, on account of someone starting to cry.

"For goodness sake, there aren't even any rainbows, Scout!" Spy said, all exasperated.

"It ain't me!" Scout yelled, punching him in the face. "AND THAT'S A MYTH! THAT'S A MYYYTH…" He knew very well it wasn't a myth.

At that awkward moment of all things a wee kid appeared. Like, literally out of nowhere we have no idea. Anyhow it was them crying. You probably deduced this. This paragraph is rambling something awful.

"WHAT IS WRONG?" Soldier demanded, wondering if the REDs somehow did something and he would need to be a lawyer again.

Now, the kid proceeded to say the most _horrifying, _truly _terrifying _thing known to man. Know that phrase 'worst case scenario'? Nah mate; _this_ is the worst case scenario.

"I've lost my hat."

Oh my GOD.

The REDs instantaneously knew they had to find that hat. Pyro dug out a bunch of useful things from its rucksack like a compass, comical magnifying glass, cuddly penguin… all that stuff. At some point the kid just up and disappeared again but the mercs went ahead and-

Where's Sniper?

The RED team briefly halted the hat search to have an Australian search, except he casually walked back to them himself a few seconds later. Must've been a jarate break-

"Y'know what? No." Sniper abruptly levitated back to Heavy's head so he could _glare down at everyone_. "JUST because I pee in jars – which isn't THAT weird, people – I'm the only person to ever be written peein' in any story ever. NOT COOL, GUYS. SCREW ALL OF YOU. OKAY? SEE HOW OOC Y'VE MADE ME? SEE WHAT Y'VE DONE!?" He jumped down and ran in a big circle in order to threaten everyone with his kukri at least once. "HAPPY!? ARE YA HAPPY NOW!? WAS THIS YER PLAN? PEE MIND GAMES, THAT THE IDEA? _ARE YA PROUD OF WHAT Y'VE DONE!?_"

…

"Woah." Engy uttered. "Woah."

Sniper decided to have a quiet sit down in the middle of the clearing, making a small fire with his bed frame. Pyro used a stick to shove over a peace offering of marshmallows then rejoined the hat hunting party.

Using the seething Sniper as a midpoint, they took the term spiral search extra literally and followed each other like a row of baby ducks going for the land speed record. That's a truly marvellous concept someone should round up some ducklings and make that happen.

Ultimately that scheme failed because they were staring at the ground the entire time and soon ran skull-first into a tree.

"… I thought we were smarter than _this_," Spy sighed, seemingly oblivious to the tree toppling toward them, "Or at least me."

"OH CRAP!" Demo cried, the more appropriate term as they were being squished by the tree. Heavy simply did a pushup to lift it off them then a couple more for the Hell of it, likely showing off for his new birdie fwiend.

This backfired when another tree decided to get revenge and the story took a dark turn into one of those trippy forest-coming-to-life situations. Sadly that moment passed because the author was about to make several Okami references and needs to get on with the plot.

~APPROXIMATELY EIGHT HOURS LATER~

"Where. Is this. Freakin'. Hat?" the aggravated Soldier flailed around a bit, fed up. They'd scoured no less than ONE WHOLE MILE over the course of the day and hadn't seen so much as a whiff of hat. Smelled a whiff of hat…? It's four in the morning I have no idea.

"Maybe," Medic began dramatically, "it's time to turn to a power higher than ourselves."

Everyone crowded around, eyes wide; "God?"

"Vhat? No," Medic dismissed, "A montage. Obviously."

Sniper grumbled in disapproval from his fire-that-was-really-a-splinter-by-this-point but they went ahead and did that plan anyway.

_Searchin' for a hat for some reason, the RED team be lookin' for a haaat!_ The defence classes randomly grabbed some rocks, checked under them and, unsuccessful, lobbed them haphazardly into the woods. _Still don't really know why they be lookin' for a hat!_ The offense classes suddenly appeared on some awfully high tree branches and shrugged hugely when that proved pointless. _Seriously guys you're meant to be hikin' what the Hell?_ Finally Medic and Spy popped out of various shrubs around the clearing then ran around in a panic because that was almost certainly poison ivy they just blundered into.

"END THE MONTAGE END THE MONTAGE!" Scout yelled, crashing into the forth wall and promptly shattering it. "… Heeey, readers."

~IMPROMTU INTERVENTION~

"… We've broken the forth wall too much."

"Yeah."

~BACK TO HAT HUNTING~

"Gentlemen!" Spy, halfway up-or-halfway-down a tree, flailed around for attention. "What if I _disguised as the hat!? WOULDN'T THAT BE AWESOME!?"_

"…Spy, are you drunk?" Soldier checked, using a rocket to get the Frenchman down from the tree.

"Pyro told me it was non-alcoholic."

"I'm so done with you all." Medic just walked away in no specific direction. In order to be annoying drunk-Spy followed him only to trip over a raccoon and vanish for a short while.

The team decided they probably needed backup. _Magical_ backup.

Which meant, of course, Pyrovision goggles for all.

~PYROLAND~

What the mercs _weren't _expecting to see _was_ what they did see. Which is to say they saw the unexpected. Or something. Like, the sight it was that they saw was not a sight they would have thought they would have seen at any point in the day, or the next day's sights either. Plus any subsequent things being seen thereafter.

…

So Balloonicorn, Reindoonicorn and baby Balloondoonicorn were all there, floating at head height. The unusual part was that the three of them were wearing detective hats whilst seated on a flying motorbike.

"Balloon animals… ON MOTORCYCLES!?" the REDs cried, wondering if they were making too obscure a reference that it wouldn't count as a forth wall break. Simultaneously the Balloon family gave one, slow nod and smoothly slid on some shades (which were too big for Balloondoonicorn and oh GOD did it look cute.)

Pyro chirped something that could have been anywhere between 'Can you help us find the hat?' to 'Scottish tablet makes me go really hyper'.

Whichever, the Pyrolandians held up the closest thing to a thumbs up they could manage and the assembled mercs, save still-grouchy Sniper, leapt onto the bike. It's not like they had past horrifying encounters with bikes in previous adventures or anything.

The eleven of them (twelve with Heavy's robin, Hell knows why he stuck around so long) shot off into the trees, zigzagging semi-neatly through the foliage.

"Quick question," Engy said politely, "Why are the unicorns without a driver's license or opposable thumbs driving?"

An awkward pause ensued.

"… _Because,_" Demo said, after the heavily pregnant pause gave birth twice it was that lengthy, "Hats." He smiled creepily until Engy panicked and jumped to freedom, somehow landing on his face back beside Sniper.

"Maybe one day Ah'll be able to forget all this," he mumbled hopefully.

"Y'know she won't let ya," Sniper stated bluntly, pointing upward with the last fragment of his campfire.

Engy was spared from replying when the RED team suddenly pulled up next to them on a different bike than the one they left with. All wearing 'I Heart *various cities*' shirts they hoped to the ground and waved as the Balloons drove off into the spontaneous sunset. Engy and Sniper blinked uncomprehendingly but knew not to question it.

"Wellp." Scout basically summarised the trip with that simple phrase, then added, "We didn't find the hat."

Sniper started. "Y'were lookin' for a hat?"

"Yeees…?" Heavy suspiciously answered.

"Oh." Sniper blinked again. Glanced around the mercs. Uncomfortably shifted his feet a bit. "Er." He abruptly stood up and sprinted away, revealing the missing hat that had been acting as his chair.

The eight other REDs stared at the hat, about seven-eighths of them removing the Pyrovision goggles because this wasn't the time to be all smiley-smiley.

~REALITY~

"We should kill him," they announced at once, grabbing weapons from nowhere and moving to attack. Pyro calmly stood by as the rainbows started to fly, casually shrugging and picking up the hat. Lovely wee hat. Time to send it home.

The team halted in their fight when 'The Snowman' soundtrack began playing in the background and Pyro flew across the sky above them, taking the hat back to its owner.

Hm. That was unusual.

* * *

**I don't own the Snowman. Unfortunately. I love that thing :D**

**Oh yeah, um, Simon guest person, hopefully you're still out there- it's either me being silly or my internet, but I couldn't find your Steam :/**

**So if you have other means of communication for that then... yeah. Um. Yeah.**

**Thanks for reading guys, I'll try update quicker :)**


	5. Derp

**Okay guys I had probably important stuff to put here but then THE NEW COMIC. YAY.**

**But as always I gotta say thank you so much for the reviews! :D**

* * *

Chapter Five – Derp

~SOMEWHERE AT LEAST SORT OF NEAR A MOUNTAIN~

Having remembered the name of this story, the nine mercs (apparently they reached some kind of 'not killing each other' agreement) opted to just continue their hiking trip rather than pursue wondering exactly what they witnessed today. Deliberately avoiding height order and splaying out obnoxiously over the whole path, they started determinedly for the mountain _yet again_.

C'mon guys. Been four chapters.

Subconsciously stepping over the cracks in the path they were suddenly on, Pyro hummed a cheerful little tune and gradually raised the volume to try make at least someone join in. Just before the pyromaniac could start screaming through the gasmask at the team, Engy realised he still had sandwiches and practically chucked them at everybody.

"HOORAY!" the childish, bloodthirsty mercenaries chorused, chomping into their breakfast/lunch/nutritious snack.

They all paused thoughtfully.

"… There's a car battery in mine," Spy noted, thinking he didn't really care for the electric-y taste. Engy beamed, nodding proudly over his culinary excellence, blissfully unaware as his fellow REDs awkwardly exchanged glances. Heavy didn't though because he was busy removing a screwdriver from between his teeth.

"We need an escape plan!" Soldier tried to whisper, which was ideally a slightly quieter version of shouting. He searched in his pocket for a pickaxe while the others racked their grey matter for a solution.

Unfortunately it was Demo who took the initiative.

"ENGY LOOK IT'S A HAMSTER!" he yelled, pointing at the sky. Before Engy even had time to feel confused the Scotsman took out a firework and launched his sandwich into space.

This started an unsubtle chain reaction of mercs disposing of metallic sandwiches.

"OH WHOOPS I DROPPED IT!" Scout lobbed the sandwich at Heavy's face. In retaliation Heavy proceeded to punch Scout in the face with his own sandwich, smushing it into non-existence. Soldier panicked and just swallowed his one whole, Medic bribed Archimedes to fly off with his, Pyro set its snack on fire and Spy – suddenly wearing a top hat – made his disappear while yelling;

"TA-DAAAA!"

Sniper sort of just stood there, nibbling around what seemed to be a piece of a teleporter.

"I think we can all agree there was _no way _of preventin' that," he commented lightly.

Dear sweet Engy shrugged like he truly believed that was merely a series of freak accidents, Teddy face-pawing in his ammo belt. He headed off, whistling a happy little tune because the mental image of that makes me smile like a right moron.

The team, not questioning how the Hell they got away with that, followed after him, all whistling now. Different songs like, but what can you do.

~AND THEN THE THING HAPPENED~

"Civvie ahead!" Soldier abruptly stopped short, sensing the pedestrian on the path heading toward them. Pedestrians plural actually- a wee family out on a walk it seemed. The mercs tried to communicate a whole lot of things trough telepathy, an ability they didn't even possess. This mostly consisted of 'what the heck d'we do now?' and 'for the love of God don't do anything stupid'.

The REDs weren't the best at interacting with other members of their own species. Assuming Pyro's human of course. They weren't sure what the protocol was here- say hi, walk on past, dress in drag and do the hula? ...Make more references apparently…?

"HELLO!" the nine of them blurted, somewhere in the region of ten to twenty paces away from the family. The civvies, a group consisting of two kids and presumably their parents, awkwardly waved, the adults none-too-discretely moving the kids to the very edge of the path in order to avoid the red-clad blokes.

Unfortunately the team had gone the same way in an attempt to evade _them_.

"Crap, crap, craaaap…" The flustered mercs all but leaped to the other side, promptly tripped, and blocked the entire way through when they landed in a pyramid.

"DON'T PANIC!" Demoman cried, panicking, "EVERYONE- DIG!" He clawed at the ground in a fury, his not-remotely-thought-through plan to burrow out of the nice people's way. Soldier whipped out his rocket launcher – to help, of course – and succeeded in launching the whole team directly skyward.

"Oh, dis is bad." Heavy sighed, pirouetting. Briefly shifting in the air to form the TF2 logo, the mercs thought about how cool they must look from above and forgot to consider the landing part of their endeavour.

"WE'RE GONNA DIE AGAIN!" Scout proclaimed helpfully. "Ohwait I can double jump screw you guys." He appeared on a tree branch not two seconds later, and everyone flipped him the bird as they plummeted…

And landed right behind the civvies, who ran off unharmed along the path.

"… SUCCESS!" Many victory highfives we shared.

Wow, there must've been some _divine intervention_ there. Almost as if a _galestorm _had something to do with it and pushed them out the way cuz they were falling so fast it was like an _inferno_ and there wasn't a _waterspout _to put it out.

Alright Okamilover I can't think of any more of those. Hopefully that was sufficient.

Anyway the branch Scout was sitting on broke and knocked out half the nice wee family, so the REDs ran for it.

~SIGNIFICANTLY CLOSER TO THE MOUNTAIN~

"I've been waiting a stupid amount of time to say zhis," Medic commented, "But IT'S HIKING TIME!"

"AW YEAH!" The nine mercs and co punched the air all-victorious-like and charged the mountain. Of course they had spent the better part of a week getting here and that (plus the trauma) was catching up on them a little.

So after about half a minute's run later they slowed to a jaunty powerwalk.

"Don't ye just feel so relaxed," Demo said, very tensely.

"Ah've never felt so carefree," Engy lied, clinging to that last thread of positivity unwoven from the blanket of Happy Place with the desperation of a bloke hanging dangerously above certain doom.

Wow what.

"We should've taken the tank," Scout grumbled, trying to trip up Heavy for entertainment only to break his toe. "… Freakin' ow."

Heavy chuckled darkly, the intimidating image only slightly faltered by the wee robin on his head.

Now our buddy Spy had been trying to suggest a game of 'I Spy' for several minutes but so far he'd been unable to word it properly. He was fairly certain it was the best joke ever and he didn't intend to mess it up; if only he could stop laughing to himself and have to awkwardly cover the sound by coughing.

He sadly stopped trying to make the hilarious Spy joke when Pyro assumed he was choking and helpfully Falcon Punched the Frenchman's back. On the plus side he was propelled up the mountain a bit, so, that was nice.

Or it would've been, had he not encountered the next obstacle for the mercs to face. A giant-ass rock blocking the path, much like the REDs had been doing earlier. How'd that family get past this…?

"SCREAMIN' EAGLES!" Soldier yelled quite suddenly, moving to rocket jump. Regrettably he'd taken out his shovel rather than rocket launcher by mistake and the result was unsatisfactory for rock climbing.

After Medic had once again removed Soldier's shovel from his gut, the nine of them made a plan.

Oh man I typo'd that as pan and thought of the pan weapon now a train of thought later I wanna go bother some people with the holy mackerel.

Anyway. Unlike previous plans this one was simple. Like previous plans, it was destined to end in crushing failure. This sense of familiarity proved most unwelcome.

Basically, Heavy would boost Pyro over the rock, and the offense class would go ahead and airblast said rock safely down the hill. Failproof.

"FLY TINY PYRO!" Heavy lobbed Pyro javelin-style through the air, wincing at the sickening crunch of oddly-cute pyromaniac hitting the ground on the far side.

"Hey, uh, wasn't Py supposed to have this?" Scout interjected, suddenly in possession of the flamethrower. Everyone blinked at it once or twice.

"…Damn." Engy muttered, but before the mercs could go rather insane or get a tad violent, they heard the distinct sound of a jackhammer. "Pyro brought a jackhammer. 'Course. Should've expected that."

Well in fairness they probably _should've_ expected that. However, that 'distinct' sound of a jackhammer was in fact _not _the sound of any form of power tool known to man. Unless one counts old dodgem cars with loud engines as power tools, of course.

"Zhis displeases me greatly," Medic said quietly, watching unhappily as both the boulder and speeding Pyro sailed in their direction.

CUE BOWLING MUSIC!

"STRIKE!" the administrator yelled somehow, laughing darkly as the mercs flew off in different directions. Archimedes tried to catch Medic, only to think the better of it and wisely fly to safety. Fortunately a few members of Soldier's raccoon army appeared and provided a form of fluffy crash mat. With teeth. Minor detail.

De_tail._ Cuz raccoons have tails. LAUGH DAMN YOU.

~MAYBE TWO THIRDS OF THE THREE THIRDS MAKING UP THE ENTIRE MOUNTAIN~

"We must be the worst at this," Sniper observed, clinging to the side of the dodgem car with the others, "Hikin'. We're God awful."

Now, maybe some of his teammates disagreed with this, but no one responded due to a combination of exhaustion, sandwich-poisoning, and probably a great number of other ailments. Also I swear if one person says something about how dodgems don't work like this- I MEAN DUDE _THAT'S_ WHAT YOU'D QUESTION ABOUT THIS STORY!? THAT OF ALL THINGS?

"We must be close!" Soldier yelled, covering the speedometer (clearly showing one mile per hour) with his foot, "Quit whining!"

All seemed to be going well enough now, in spite of everthing.

But gradually the path got steeper.

"Mmph…" Pyro sounded thoughtful as the dodgem car slowly began to tip backward, as if puzzled by the implications. More understanding of the situation, the eight other mercs clawed to the front of the car in a frantic attempt to right it. When the front started to buckle under the weight Spy punched Heavy in the head until he let go and fell to the dirt.

Earlier in the fic it was said that nothing looks quite as ridiculous as a Heavy giggling and running with both arms in the air. That statement was false. A pouting Heavy chasing a dodgem car covered in mercenaries up a hill at one mile an hour truly is.

Just as the ground began to level out a little, they drove over a small stone and the ensuing wee hop-motion opened the hood.

"What does this thing even run on!?" Engy stared into the depths of the car with horrified curiosity. Some kind of engine appeared to be consuming some kind of fluffy substance resembling marshmallows, making a noise like when a puppy farts.

Pyro didn't answer, but everyone could tell it had on a knowing smile under the mask.

Then it crashed into a ditch at the side of the path and the car violently exploded.

At least Heavy managed to catch up.

~THE PEAK!~

Conveniently, they had broken down (andburstintoflames) at the very end of the footpath. Which ended at the top. That left _one mere step_ until their mission was complete. They had braved tank rides, police, bridges, _non_ bridges, lost hats and other misadventures, but here they were.

"Is good day to be RED team," Heavy proclaimed proudly, ignoring the wreckage of the bumper car and scattered teammates. "MUSIC!" he cried, triggering an emotionally moving soundtrack to burst to life all around them.

"What the crap." Scout deadpanned, deciding he'd really rather not get back up and face the music. Medic though just wanted to go home so kicked everyone to their feet and into a neat line.

"Is it over?" Spy asked blearily, trying to take in the supposedly nice view as quickly as possible. He also sapped the music player using his Spy powers.

"Reckon so," Sniper said, paying little attention to the surroundings. Basically all they could see in a complete circle was a bunch of grey clouds. Not even fancy ones, just a wall of dull cloud. "… W'could all pretend it was worth it."

…

"Well let's head back!" Soldier said brightly, managing to avoid shooting the sky in frustration. As one, the REDs turned and looked back the way they came, the unappetising logical way to the car park. *Collective sigh*

"Hey Sniper," Demo innocently glanced off to the side, "Which direction's the tank from 'ere?"

Without much thought, the crazy-good-eyesight Sniper pointed it out, then a moment too late realised his mistake. "KABLOOIE!" The Demoman detonated his sticky bombs, flinging the mercs skyward.

"Air's thin up here," Spy noted, sounding uncomfortable. Ultimately no one paid much mind because they were all making sure they remembered how to breathe. Then started the descent.

Scout grabbed his boombox and blasted a bit of slow motion music as the mercs aimed for the tank that was rapidly getting bigger. Oh wait they were getting closer I see what happened.

Soldier just had time to frown at the multiple parking tickets before the nine of them crash landed through the roof and into his tank.

"…" He glanced around, surrounded by the blank expressions of his dazed teammates. "Well." No one reacted. "Home we go!"

The offense class shoved in the keys and reversed off, flattening both a minivan and a fence en route. They trundled in relative silence back along the road, the Road Trip _After _the Hiking Trip trip. Emphasis on 'trip' as in 'trippy'.

They reached the teleporter back at respawn with surprisingly little trouble, some almost-talented driving manoeuvres sending the tank into the base garage near two thousand miles away. One by one, the mercs clambered out of the new full-size sunroof and stood waiting in a perfect circle. It had to be a perfect circle because why on Earth would they stand in an oval. That's just silly.

"I'm going to need at least a week in complete isolation from all of you," Spy announced after a lengthy pause, shuddering. "To recover from _that_."

The team nodded in understanding with various musings of 'fair enough'.

"At least we didn't cause any permanent damage or anythin'," Engy commented, following the others as they headed straight for bed.

The tree they used as a bridge would proceed to fall, open that gorge further, and cause the mountain to retreat violently into the ground.

But hey, small details.

**The End!**

* * *

Medic, having returned to the infirmary with Archimedes, halted in the middle of the room. He rummaged through his pocket, finding the Thing From the Drawer. He hadn't needed it after all.

"Soon." He placed it back in his pocket, ready for use another day. "SOON."

* * *

**The (Real) End!**

**Wow. We're finally here :p Thanks so much for reading! You folks really are awesome!**

**Also I doodled a Balloondoonicorn and am gonna make it the cover of That Just Happened, if ya wanna see it :p**

**But yeah thanks you guys! See you in the next spinoff! (And happy belated birthday, Team Fortress!)**


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